My Story(I)

                I was ready to die. I was having dreams of death and setback anyways, so I was ready to go if God decides that it was time. If I could, I'd have committed suicide, but I don't own my life, therefore, I can't end it. Asides from that, I didn't have the balls to cut myself with a knife, or drink sniper (I didn't have the money to buy one though). Many times, I visualized the knife cutting through me, or buildings falling on me. I'd often cross the road slowly in case a car, bike, or anything was interested in hitting me. Believe me, I had put my mind in order. I mean, how do you explain having the day go as normal as it can go, and then the night comes and I start shivering under the blanket, vomiting, and having my temperature on the high side? Those times, I saw my life flash right before my eyes. Asides from that, everything about my life went south!

I wanted nothing but to leave 

                On all of those occasions, I never thought I'd make it to the morning alive. As soon as there's a teeny-tiny ray of sunlight, I become automatically fine. I informed a particular person so dear to my heart that I have accepted to walk into the cold hands of death, but I was shunned and told not to confess negative things, because truth be told, I had lost it, and was done with life and anything it had to offer. I had thought, "Oh, God is probably done with me" as I wasn't making progress anyways.

*****

                Before dropping my pen finally as an undergraduate, I was already mentally done with school. I was still attending classes because I didn't pay my fees myself. If I did, I'd have dropped out of school. Anyone who attended my university would understand. This happened late last year- the year 2021. The year 2020 was the worst year of my life, and 2021 was just the continuation. I was hurt, depressed, and worn out. Everything went south. Everything as in E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! Asides from that, people- my friends were leaving, or so I thought. I mean, it was my last days at Ogbafemi (Obafemi Awolowo University, OAU).

                I began having thoughts of the future as well. Not that I did not I was not thinking of the future before now, but it was now staring at me in the face. The reality of life after school was beginning to dawn on me. However, that wasn't my problem. My problem was that I was drowning. Issues from home, academic stress (almost had an extra year), financial failure (I had stopped going to my place of work because God asked me to stop); I depended on money from home as I wasn't business inclined as well. I don't know how to do any other thing better than writing. Yes. W-R-I-T-I-N-G. I had signed up in a platform for writers. However, I wasn't getting jobs as I expected. I was frustrated. Problems lingered, and hope wasn't in view. I was always penniless, even when I had money. I couldn't save a penny. I wasn't financially inclined either. I didn't know the pros and cons of keeping and saving money. As something will surely come up to take that money away from me. It was like the devil took a full-time job to torment me.

*****

                I do smile a lot and laugh. I don't always manage it because I have it all in my configuration. Man, I smile a lot, and I know I lighten up a room anytime I enter. I derive joy in doing that though. I remember that one time I had just cried my eyes out in my room even without my roommate's knowledge. The same day, I went out, made people laugh, and went back home to my big bag of burdens, sadness, and the calm hands of death. I called it calm hands of death because, at this point, I wasn't scared of it. I had looked into my life, made sure I made no mistakes that would make God want to throw me to hell (God doesn't throw people to hell though. Their sins, disobedience and perverse heart takes them to hell). I asked for forgiveness and was sure to an extent that if I was to be taken away any moment, at least, I'd be resting in the bosom of my Lord. The people closest to me know I don't express hurt and a dampened soul through tears. I seldom cry. Most times I want to, because of how heavy my heart is, but I can't (I remember that one time my mom was flogging me when I was very little because of something I had done. She left what I did and was now flogging me because I didn't cry- can you imagine?- She said I was a witch, You know how African, especially Nigerian mums can be. I also remember how my dad would punish me then and I would have to use my sweat to feign tears because it would take an extreme level of pain and anguish before I cry. I'm explaining all of these so you know how tears are such a scarce commodity for me. I don't usually understand how people shed tears when they're worshipping God. Believe me, I can be so lost in worship and not cry. At some point, I felt maybe I wasn't spiritual enough. I was able to experience it just once, and I'm not sure I had 3 drops of tears, but that doesn't mean I don't love God or I don't get lost during worship. Crying isn't just one of the things I came to the world with. I'm not saying it's good to cry, or it's good to not cry- I hope you get my gist?)

All I could do was mop around 

                Back to my story- If I had the slightest opportunity to shed tears, I would feel good thereafter, a little bit though. Being able to shed those tears for me felt like the burden had relieved me a little. Let me not forget to mention that I couldn't pray.

*****

                I had friends, and I liked, and still like my relationship with them. We've been together from my very first days on campus, but it now seemed like nobody needed the other person. Understandably, everyone has their thing going on, but I just felt neglected on my part and out of place with them. Only a handful of them knew my place of abode then. When I was incessantly falling sick, I couldn't call or let them know, because they wouldn't be able to visit me anyway. Not all of them are guilty though. (I know my friends definitely will read this. I LOVE Y'ALL, and I hold nothing against you).

                I'd go extra mile for those I love, and anyone I could help. However, I wasn't getting the same energy from them. I have several scenarios of people having the opportunity of going several miles for me but wouldn't go, Meanwhile, if I was in their shoes, I'd go to the extreme. I'm not trying to say I'm good or that I'm the best, but I happen to feel uncomfortable when people are not fine, and I have the opportunity to offer help. Things people had done to me in time past came back to haunt and hurt me. I then decided to keep my hands and my help to myself, except in extreme situations. I wasn't ready to be of help to anyone, neither was I ready to seek help from anyone.

                However, I had this one person asides from the Holy Spirit whom I talk to about things like this. I went to him and explained these things to them, and how hurt I felt because even my family members hurt me as well. I was so hurt, burdened, depressed and sorrowful that I literally felt it in my chest. My chest was heavy and full. I couldn't pray nor engage In any spiritual exercise. It was like I was boxed, and tied to a corner, and I couldn't help myself, and it seemed to me like God had gone on a holiday.

                I told this person some of the things that had been going on with me, and he gave me words of comfort. I recall I was told that it's people you love that'd hurt you. If an outsider had done something of that sort, I'd not have felt half as bad as I felt. There and then, I purposed in my heart to forgive, let go, and possibly forget. Not everyone can be like me; they cannot behave exactly as I do. If that be the case, then as the Bible says in Hebrews 12:14a, I have to "follow peace with all men". Believe me, in that part of my life, I had peace, but that wasn't all, there were more areas of my life where I needed to have peace.

Problem 1, solved.

*****

                On account of my background, I know that some unseen beings are on a full-time job to make sure your life doesn't go as God had planned it. We call them "Village people" or for those who want to be literal, "powers of my father's house". I'm sorry, but if you do not believe they exist, you might not find this part of my story interesting because I'm going to refer to them at some point. In Jeremiah 29:11, the Bible says "I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end" (KJV). Another verse of the Bible says "God is not an author of confusion" (I Corinthians 14:33a). If this is the case, God cannot promise me sound health, prosperity, joy, peace, all good things, name it, and then go ahead to torment me with the opposite of these things. I understand the common belief that man cannot go without problems, but it seemed like my "village people" took it too seriously. I'll explain.

                One gift I know I came to the world with is the gift of dreams. I mean, I close my eyes for five minutes, and I dream dreams about different stuff. Some happen immediately I wake up, some much later, some, even years later. At times, I dream dreams about people, very close to me, and those not too close to me, anytime I relate it to them, they always confirm that it's true. With that, I tend to pay extra attention to my dreams, and believe most of them, because definitely, some of them will come from the devil, and some, from what I ruminated on during the day. As a spiritual being that I am, and by the help of the Holy Spirit, I can differentiate which dream came from God, from my imagination, and the devil.

                Having laid that foundation, it is safe to tell you reading this that I had dreams of seeing myself in a former house I stayed with my parents before the birth of my siblings. Dreams of seeing myself in a house I stayed in when I was very little. I mean, why would I be dreaming of those places after so many years. Even my Alma mater, my secondary school to be precise, I see myself there. When I wake up, I'd often ask myself, Why? I knew the devil had something up his sleeves because, at this time, I was almost done with my university education. He had plans to either keep me in a particular spot, make me go round in a circle, or just make sure I do not make progress. That time I checked my portal and saw 23/100, an exam I read for during the day and over the night. Do you recall when I said I don't cry? Yeah, I didn't cry. I tried, but I was able to shed just a tear. I was on the bus when I saw it that day, and I sincerely had no idea how I got home. I was devastated. I was in my penultimate year, and I wasn't even done with some special courses. I knew that automatically meant an extra year. I called my mom immediately after I got home to explain things to her, I was expecting to be tongue-lashed, but at that point, I didn't care. I just needed to talk to someone who was very much older. To my surprise, my mom spoke to me with love, explaining to me how that wasn't the end of the world. Told me to calm down, and not do anything stupid. Since my nursery school, from my report card, and my parents words, I was amongst the first 3 in the class. If I do not vividly remember those ones, at least I remember in my senior secondary school 1, I was the second in class. In SS 2, I was the third in class, and in SS 3, I was the first, but at that point, the position didn't exactly count. However, I knew that meant I was intelligent. I mean, I have never gone past the third position in any of my classes, and that's out of about 30 to 40 of us in class! So why would I come to the university, and my intelligence is questioned? It's not just about the 23/100 I got. In some courses as well, I do not understand how I would do well, and in others, after I see it, I'll just say "We thank God". This right here was the beginning of my depression.

                I have heard testimonies of many people having their exam scores changed miraculously, and I started praying to see the same because I couldn't bear it, a lot was involved. I didn't want to have an extra year, I didn't want to feel like a failure, and the last, and last reason is that I felt my reputation was in the mud. If I were to rewrite it with my junior colleagues, which I eventually did, I didn't know how I'd be portrayed in their eyes, or so I thought because a handful of them attend my fellowship. I started paying more attention to the things of God, and every of my prayer point centered on God changing that result for me. Up until the time I reregistered that course, I kept praying for a change. It didn't happen, but God did something else.

                I was looking out the front door for God to come through for me, but He came through the back door. Someway, somehow, the special courses I wasn't done with got settled, and my portal was balanced. I just needed to rewrite that course, and all will be fine. I know God didn't answer my prayer the way I wanted Him to, but that doesn't deny the fact He did a miracle for me. I learned something though, and it's that God just let some things happen for a reason, and because He wants to show that He is GOD!

                In the place of prayer, I found out that one of the reasons God let some things happen to me, is so I can be of help to others, and understand their plight when they come to me because I know how it feels. I noticed that when people confide in me, I always have my own story to tell about that issue, and then by the wisdom of God proffer solutions to them, even in natural things. If you have an extra year, and you prayed, but your result didn't change, don't feel bad. There's a reason for it. I for one didn't want an extra year (definitely, no one wants it), and God came through for me. Check it. There's something God wants you to learn because I learnt something from what happened to me. Do not compare yourself or your life to others. There's a reason why their life is going the way it is, and I tell you, you have no idea what that person is going through secretly. There are people I've often envied from a distance, and when I get close and hear their stories, I am often wowed at the things they are going through, because really, it is not always easy for everyone as you think. Sit, pray and ruminate on why you're going through what you're going through. Is it because of something you caused? Or something God wants you to learn?

*****

                As touching those bad dreams I do have, I had to inform my spiritual mentor. If you do not have one, pray that God leads you to them, or God leads them to you. I tell you, you cannot exactly succeed when you choose to be on your own. I'm not talking about a mentor like T D Jakes, Benny Hinn, Kenneth Hagin, or even close, Apostle Joshua Selman, or Bishop Oyedepo. They are mentors to everyone. I'm talking of someone who has your number, and you have his. Someone you can call at any time, and would pick your calls. Someone you can always walk up to. Not just for your spiritual life, but also career mentors, academic mentors, financial mentors etcetera. So, I told my mentor, who told me spiritual steps to take, prayers to pray, and scriptures to confess because I was already losing my mind. I cannot have a good night's sleep without seeing myself in those former places. I took his advice, prayed, confessed the scriptures, and stayed with God's promises to me (at this point, I was getting myself back, because some things were beginning to fall in place). I did that consistently, and the dreams stopped. However, something else started...